Fear of Realtors
by iamfaraway
Summary: The Niwa family now understands why a certain character in a certain series of unfortunate events fears… realtors. Oneshot.


**Title:** Fear of Realtors

**Author:** El

**Summary:** The Niwa family now understands why a certain character in a certain series of unfortunate events fears… realtors. (One-Shot)

**Genre:** Humor/Horror

**Rating:** PG

**Disclaimer:** -whispers- Please keep your voices down because if you talk too loud the realtors might get you. I do not own Harry Potter, Series of Unfortunate Events, DNAngel, the song "All Things Bright and Beautiful", or sledgehammers.

**Author's Note:** There is a hint of SatoDai in this story; just warning you. Also, I would like to thank my sister for the character of Musta Sellhouse.

_All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small_, sang Dark to his tamer, Daisuke Niwa. _All things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all!_ Daisuke was tempted to bang his head on the east wall of his room.

_Dark, will you please stop singing that?_ Daisuke pleaded. His head was throbbing with the horrible singing voice – not to mention the horrible song.

_Each little flower that opens, each little bird that sings_, Dark continued, ignoring Daisuke and continuing in ringing tones. _God made their glowing colors, and made their tiny wings!_

Daisuke groaned. He was never going to stop at this point. His head fell onto his desk as Dark, not knowing the rest of the words of the song, began to make up some of his own.

_And every time you take a dump, know that God made the lump, because he wants you to cleanse, your bowels of nasty things_, sang Dark in his deep, horrid singing voice.

_He may be a great thief,_ thought Daisuke,_ but I can't say much for his singing…_

A loud ringing sound that had nothing to do with Dark's voice (or perhaps it had everything to do with his voice, for Daisuke still heard a ring in his ears for the next few days) echoed through his house. Curious, the red headed boy walked down the stairs to where his family was gathered in the living room. Towa, a spirit of a stolen artwork called the Towa no Shirube and the family maid, answered the door.

"Hello!" said a woman with long, light brown hair in a red blazer and skirt. "Is this a bad time?"

Towa knew exactly what this person was, so she shrieked and slammed the door shut. She promptly turned into a pink bird.

"Towa, who is it?" called Emiko, Daisuke's mother.

"No one!" chirped Towa, changing back into her human form with a poof. The doorbell rang again. "I wonder who this could be!" she said cheerfully, blissfully unaware of the terror she was about to endure. She opened the door, revealing the woman once again.

The woman smiled, baring her teeth in what should have been a friendly gesture, but coming from her, it was more of a menacing sight. "Hello! Is this a bad time?" She held out a business card.

"Yes," answered Towa merrily, hoping that maybe this would discourage the woman.

"Oh okay! May I speak to the head of the house?" she said, not disheartened at all. If anything, she was even more determined to achieve her goal.

Towa struggled with herself for a moment before blurting out, "That would be me!"

The woman, whose nametag read "Musta Sellhouse," frowned for a moment, but then with a fake smile said, "Then why are you in a maid's outfit?"

Towa furrowed her brow, putting on a hurt expression. "There are my special clothes…" Tears filled her eyes.

Musta hesitated. "May I speak with the oldest person in the house then?"

Before Towa could answer with "I am the oldest," Kosuke, Daisuke's father, appeared behind her. Musta jumped forward into the house.

"Hello! Is this a bad time!" she asked again, holding out a business card to the brown haired man.

"Who are you?" asked Kosuke, taking the business card, but not looking at it and throwing it over his shoulder.

Musta did not answer. She walked into the house and looked around. "My, my, what a lovely home," she said.

Then she pulled out a sledgehammer and smashed it into the nearest wall.

"Oh, that could be dangerous," she said happily. "You should sell!"

"We aren't selling or buying," said Kosuke, scratching his head in confusion.

"Oh, well you should, that hole in the wall could be dangerous!" said Musta.

"But you put it there," Daisuke pointed out. She ignored him and continued to walk deeper into the Niwa house. The family followed her into the bathroom.

"What a lovely bathroom!" she exclaimed.

Promptly pulling out a sledgehammer, Musta destroyed the toilet.

"That's not good, your house could flood!" proclaimed Musta. "You should sell!"

Emiko, subdued at first by the compliments of her home, now looked worried. "Um… why are you smashing our house?"

Musta snubbed her and skipped out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

"My, what a lovely kitchen!" said Musta, thrilled. "And look a refrigerator! What a – "

Kosuke, with a sudden spur of intelligence, leapt into action. "Not the food!" He grabbed Musta and threw her from the kitchen before turning back to the fridge and caressing it lovingly. "Oh, food, I'll keep the crazy intruder from your lovely insides…"

Daisuke sweat-dropped and was ushered from the kitchen by his grandfather. He thought he heard moans of pleasure coming from behind the door, but Emiko quickly shut it behind her.

Musta rushed forward. "What a lovely son!"

Kosuke burst into the room with his hair mussed and tie hanging off of his shoulders. "NO!" Emiko looked at the woman, terrified, as Kosuke ran to grab Daisuke's arm. He thrust the boy into his wife's arms.

"Take Harry and run! I'll head him off!" he yelled.

Emiko and Daisuke stared at him in bewilderment as he brandished a long twig. He had some sort of red substance all over his face. Whether it was lipstick or strawberry filling from the pie in the fridge, Daisuke could not tell.

"Oh, sorry, wrong line," said Kosuke sheepishly.

Musta was being held back by Towa and Daiki, but she gave up and began to walk out of the house. The Niwa family sighed in relief, hoping that she was gone, but their hopes were shattered when they heard her voice from the front yard.

"Oh what a lovely garden!"

"Daisuke, call the police," said Emiko as her husband rushed out to the front yard where sledgehammer sounds were resounding.

Daisuke blinked. "Call Hiwatari?"

"Yes, whatever! Just call someone!" She ran out to help restrain the breaker-and-enterer that was currently stomping on a flowerbed of petunias.

Daisuke picked up the phone and dialed Hiwatari's number in a panic. "9-1-1," dialed Daisuke.

_Um… Dai? That's not –_ started Dark.

"Shut up Dark! I need to call Hiwatari!" The phone rang and finally someone picked up.

"Hello, this is the emergency hotline, what is the problem?" asked a cool female's voice. It sounded vaguely familiar, but Daisuke brushed away the thoughts.

"Help there's a crazy lady at my house and she broke in and started smashing up the house and now she's in the front yard and I need to speak with Hiwatari!" said Daisuke in a rushed and panicked voice. The woman blinked audibly.

"Uh… what?"

"Is Hiwatari there?"

"No… this is the emergency hotline."

"Oh, well, I need to speak with Commander Hiwatari."

"You'll have to call his _work_ number," she said, confused. Daisuke immediately hung up and dialed Satoshi Hiwatari's _home_ phone number. Dark rolled his eyes and began to make up more lyrics to the song "All Things Bright and Beautiful."

"Hello?" Satoshi answered the phone.

"Hiwatari!" shouted Daisuke unnecessarily.

"Help there's a crazy lady at my house she broke in and started smashing up the house and now she's in the front yard!" Daisuke shouted into the phone, speaking so quickly that the words blurred together.

Satoshi blinked audibly. "Um… I'll be right there with some men in white coats."

Daisuke sighed in relief. "Thank you." He hung up without saying good-bye and went outside to join his family on the lawn.

Musta had continued on down the street with her Business Cards of Doom and her sledgehammer, smashing up peoples' lawns and walls as she went. Alarmed, many of their neighbors ran outside and watched her with growing horror. Within five minutes, half the street was in ruins and the police, fire department, hospital, and some men in white coats had shown up on the scene.

Satoshi strolled over to Daisuke. "What happened?"

"I told you on the phone!" Daisuke said exasperatedly, and then he repeated, calmly and in a one-word breath: "There's a crazy lady at my house she broke in and started smashing up the house and now she's in the front yard."

"Um… right," said the bluenette, motioning the men in white coats over.

"I GOT HER I GOT HER!" yelled a boy, running down the street and dragging along a limp body. "SHE WAS SMASHING MY HOUSE AND SHE TRIED TO SMASH ME SO I SMASHED HER BACK AND I GOT HER!" Takeshi Saehara ran over to Satoshi, holding Musta's limp arm and a sledgehammer. The woman was unconscious, and Satoshi reached into her pocket and pulled out her wallet. Many people of the neighborhood approached the hopefully dead body with angry looks on their faces. Satoshi looked at the crowd and fished some credit cards out of the wallet.

"Here you go," he said, handing random people the cards. "You can pay for the damages with these." The people looked satisfied and walked away with the cards. All that was left in the wallet now were the Business Cards of Doom and three dollars and one cent. He gave Takeshi the three dollars for capturing the wanted criminal.

"What do I get? My house was smashed up too!" Daisuke shouted.

Satoshi stared at him expressionlessly before taking the penny out of the wallet and placing it in the red head's outstretched hand.

Daisuke looked at it for a moment. "What? This is it?"

Satoshi walked away to report the findings to his fellow police officers, ignoring Daisuke.

Daisuke clenched his fists angrily. "THIS IS BECAUSE I WON'T GO OUT WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?"

The End.


End file.
